Do you find yourself frequently apologising, saying "yes" before you've even had a chance to think, or going along with others’ ideas just to avoid conflict? If so, you’re not alone. Many individuals with ADHD struggle with people-pleasing tendencies. These behaviours often stem from a heightened sensitivity to rejection and a deep-seated fear of criticism.
Why Do ADHDers Tend to People-Please?
Living with ADHD often means facing an ongoing barrage of external feedback—sometimes positive, but often critical. Over time, this can lead to a heightened sensitivity to the opinions of others. We might begin to prioritise the approval of others above our own needs, leading to a pattern of people-pleasing that can be hard to break.
This drive to avoid displeasing others can result in neglecting our own plans, needs, and emotions. Over time, we might find ourselves becoming chameleons, constantly adapting to the desires and expectations of those around us, while losing sight of our own goals and what truly makes us happy.
Common Signs of People-Pleasing
Apologising frequently, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
Automatically saying “yes” without considering your own needs.
Consistently putting others' needs before your own.
Downplaying your own achievements to avoid standing out.
Steps to Overcome People-Pleasing
1. Pause Before Committing
One of the most effective ways to combat people-pleasing is to pause before automatically agreeing to something. Instead of responding with an immediate "yes," take a moment to consider the request. Ask yourself:
What will I have to sacrifice to do this?
Do I actually have the time and energy for this?
Will this cause me stress or discomfort?
Am I agreeing out of genuine desire, or because I fear saying no?
2. Consider the Trade-Offs
When you agree to take on a new task or commitment, it’s crucial to consider what you’re saying "no" to. Every "yes" often means a "no" to something else, whether it’s personal downtime, pursuing your own goals, or simply maintaining your mental health.
Reflect on:
What will I be missing out on by agreeing to this?
Am I compromising my own needs or goals to accommodate this request?
Is the immediate approval worth the potential long-term impact on my well-being
By understanding the full impact of your decision, you can make choices that are more aligned with your priorities and well-being.
3. Assess the Fairness
Consider whether you would expect someone else to do the same thing for you. If you feel that it wouldn’t be fair to ask someone else for the same favour, then it’s worth questioning whether you should be saying yes. And if the person is upset by your refusal, it might be a sign that they don’t have your best interests at heart.
4. Cultivate Self-Awareness
Building self-awareness is key to breaking the cycle of people-pleasing. Regularly check in with yourself to identify when you’re falling into old habits. Reflect on situations where you felt pressured to conform, and explore why you felt that way. The more you understand your own triggers, the better equipped you’ll be to make choices that honour your needs.
5. Seek Support
Overcoming people-pleasing can be challenging, especially when it's deeply ingrained. Sometimes, we need help to recognise and shift these patterns. If you’re struggling to break free from people-pleasing, consider seeking support from an ADHD coach or joining a group where you can share experiences and strategies with others who understand your challenges.
Remember: Your time and energy are valuable, and you deserve to spend them in ways that fulfil you. By breaking free from people-pleasing, you’ll not only reclaim your sense of self but also create more meaningful and balanced relationships.
Mirka